Teen Angst

Meet Isabella and Aidan -- the 2008 top baby names

2008-12-16T18:54:00Z

Emily, move over.

You've ruled the sisterhood for 11 years, but now your reign is over. Isabella has taken the crown for the first time as the top name for baby girls in 2008, according to Parents.com. Emily has held this position since 1996.

Aiden, for the second year in a row, is the favorite boy name.

Isabella and Ava, the second most popular girl name, are faves among celebs. Isabella was chosen by Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, and Matt Damon while Reese Witherspoon and Jason Priestly went for Ava.

Any Baracks? Obama's first name is rising in the ranks, as is Michelle's (now at No. 36) and Malia's, his oldest daughter's name. The name of Sasha -- his 7-year-old daughter -- fell in popularity.

Among other trends to note, parents like the first and middle names that Brit named her second son, Jayden James. Jayden is No. 2 and James is No. 7.

The top 10 girls names for 2008 are Isabella, Ava, Emily, Elizabeth, Abigail, Madison, Emma, Addison, Madeline and Olivia.

For boys, the top 10 are Aiden, Jayden, Jacob, Michael, Ethan, Caden, James, Caleb, Andrew and Matthew.

Cookie disaster makes crummy Christmas memory

2008-12-05T18:31:00Z

About six Christmases ago I decided to make a Christmas memory with my kids. I had set aside a whole Saturday to bake cookies, partly inspired by a mouth-watering cookie on the cover of that December's Gourmet Magazine. It was a big cut-out star with those silver candy balls on each tip. I couldn't wait to eat the finished product.

We mixed up the ingredients. We rolled out the dough. We decorated and we baked. We had Christmas carols playing in the background. We didn't care how messy the kitchen got. I thought "Wow!" they're going to remember this day."

Then we took the first batch out of the oven. The pretty stars had fallen apart. Even though we had followed the directions to the letter, the cookies tasted like sand. In one word: awful.

Undaunted, I said, "Let's try mixing them up again." So we threw in the ingredients. We rolled out the dough. We decorated and we baked. Again -- awful.

At this point I was throwing things and shouting things. The kids scattered and the cookies landed in the trash. I was so frustrated. What could I have done wrong? My kids ended up with memories of a bad, bad day.

We went on to try other old standby recipes with better results on a later day, but I was still haunted by the first disaster.

In late December, the January edition of Gourmet magazine arrived in the mail. In the front of the magazine was an editor's note. CORRECTION: Last month's star Christmas cookie recipe omitted an ingredient that was blah blah blah. .....We apologize for the error.

There! I was vindicated! I wasn't to blame for the disaster! But still, I couldn't take back the memory.

I talked about that disaster the other day with my kids as we planned what we'd bake together this year for Christmas. And interestingly, despite my angst, only the oldest (almost 18) had a faint memory of the day and the two younger ones didn't remember anything about it.

But of course I remembered everything. I got my revenge, however. I canceled my subscription.

Dnt do drgs, plz

2008-12-02T20:52:00Z

Turns out that teens are more willing to engage in serious conversations with their parents about drugs and alcohol in a way they feel most comfortable -- texting, e-mail and cell phones.

New research from the Partnership for a Drug-Free America and MetLife Foundation shows that while most teens would rather have a face-to-face conversation with the parents on these delicate subjects, nearly 1 in 4 teens say they would prefer to use e-mail or a cell phone. But only 3 percent of parents would opt to communicate this way.

"Parents who are waiting for the 'right time' to talk with their kids about drugs and alcohol may be missing everyday opportunities to connect on this important issue," Steve Pasierb, president and CEO of the Partnership, said in a statement.

The survey underscores that "Generation Text" has arrived. Teens are far more likely to rely on texting (63 percent) than sites like Facebook (38 percent). And most teens -- 67 percent -- are open to receiving texts from their parents after school. Research shows that for many parents texting may be an additional tool for monitoring and staying in touch with their teens.

In other findings, the survey showed an ongoing disconnect about the discussions that are taking place between parents and teens about drugs and alcohol abuse. Parents said they had addressed these topics at length with their teens, but alcohol is the only topic that 60 percent of teens reported their parents had covered in depth. And just 26 percent of teens said the parents had talked to them about the dangers of abusing prescription drugs to get high. That's a troubling finding, Partnership officials said, because 1 in 5 teens has reported engaging in this dangerous behavior.

For parents who don't know how to text (gasp!) the Partnership has created a downloadable guide called "Time to Text." You can find this at TimeToTalk.org.

Child care guru Penelope Leach on day care

2008-11-17T18:43:00Z

Mackenzie Carpenter| Nov. 17 2008

When I was a new mom, untold years ago (16.8 years ago, to be exact) I was a Penelope Leach mom. Penelope Leach as in the child care guru, whose books I devoured and preferred over all other forms of advice -- including Dr. Berry Brazelton's, Dr. Spock's or my mother's.

Never mind that Ms. Leach's relaxed, child-centered philosophy (feed them when they're hungry, don't let them cry it out) was something I could only partially follow before the control freak in me kicked in. Something about her child care books -- "Babyhood," and "Your Baby and Child," which has sold more than 2 million copies -- resonated. Hers was a no-nonsense, practical British voice backed by scholarship and leavened with warmth and empathy for the struggling new parent. Indeed, one of her chief goals was to make parents feel comfortable with themselves. not failures -- the first step towards successful parenting.

A few years later, I had the privilege of interviewing Ms. Leach at her home in London for a series on child care I was writing for the Post-Gazette with my colleague Sally Kalson . Ms. Leach had just published a book, "Children First," about the abysmal state of day care in the U.S. and Europe and the lack of coherent, comprehensive child-family policies in many Western countries, including paid parental and maternity leave, for starters. She stirred a great deal of controversy when she suggested that children were better off when their mothers stayed home during the early years, not because she was opposed to working mothers, but because day care was mostly mediocre or worse.

Today, I received a copy of her latest book, "Child Care Today: Getting it Right for Everyone" It's not a how-to advice book, but an update on the state of child care in the 21st Century. Some of it looks a little wonky, but Ms. Leach always writes in a clear and accessible fashion and there's lots of information in it. In addressing "the real issues in combining the human essentials of earning and caregiving," she looks at the things that matter: how "family" day care differs from "group" day care, why parents choose the child care arrangements they do and the quality of care at different ages and from different perspectives. For any mother or father interested in examining their own choices in a global context. this book looks like a must-read. There's a final section, clearly targeted at policy makers and politicians, on how to make excellent child care a priority and an investment that pays for itself over and over again. Maybe some of them will actually read it.

"Child Care Today" is being published by Alfred A. Knopf, costs $24.95 and will be released on Jan. 20, 2009 -- the same day our new president is inaugurated. Mere coincidence? I don't think so.

Hollow Halloween

2008-10-31T19:29:00Z

I live in a great neighborhood for trick-or-treating, especially on mild evenings. It's like a giant block party with all the neighbors out on their front porches (sometimes handing Rolling Rocks or glasses of wine to the grown-ups) or getting involved with some of the more elaborate house decorations that need some human assistance for their moving parts.

This has always been a fall highlight, but I won't be wandering about tonight. My kids are too old. The 17-year-old is hanging out with friends, the 15-year-old is helping to host a party elsewhere and my 13-year-old is trick-or-treating with his buddies sans mom.

Sigh. Last year was the first time we weren't involved in going door to door and it left an empty feeling.

I'm half tempted to get in full costume with mask and trick-or-treat without them. (Heck, some of the "kids" coming to my door tower over me) Who would know?

Oh, how pathetic is that?

Tell all or stay mum?

2008-10-23T21:33:00Z

Waiting in the grocery line yesterday, I scanned the tell-all interview in People Magazine about the grown-up Maureen McCormick, aka Marcia Brady, who did some very naughty grown-up things while playing the wholesome teen on TV.

Now 52 - with all the sordid times behind her of swapping sex for cocaine, partying with Hugh Hefner, having two abortions and bedding TV sibling Greg Brady- she's living a very Brady Bunch existence in California.

She's in the news because she's just come out with a memoir revealing her troubled life. Before it was published, she realized that she had to break the news to her 19-year-old daughter Natalie. She said her daughter's jaw dropped when she heard what mom was really like in her younger years.

That got me to thinking of the questions our teens ask us that are far more dreaded than "Where do babies come from?"

It's more like, "Hey Mom, did you do drugs in college?" "Did you smoke?" "Did you have premarital sex?"

An old classmate of mine recently recalled how her husband, who had done LSD and other drugs as a soldier in Vietnam, had told her college-age son all about his youthful antics. (This was after the couple had vowed not to talk about such stuff with their children so as not to encourage similar behavior).

Well, her husband spilled the beans and her son entered his freshman year at college trying to outdo dear old dad and nearly crashed and burned. He's pulled himself together for his sophomore year and things seem to be back on track.

I had read somewhere or possibly had been advised by someone - I can't remember which - to never talk with my own children about my youthful extracurricular activities. You still need to be a parent (not a best friend). You might think that telling all can serve as a life lesson to your children "I did this, this and this, and Thank God nothing really bad happened to me, but don't you do it because it's dangerous and reckless and stupid."

But the bottom line: it's none of their business and you shouldn't feel obligated to tell all just because they asked.

So when those questions came last summer from Kid No. 1, I quickly shut down the conversation and said I would not talk about such things. She's never brought it up since. I hope I'm being a good role model with how I act now, not with what I might have done.

But I'm sure other parents don't agree with this approach. How do you handle these questions? Do you tell all or stay mum?

Setting driving limits on teens

2008-10-06T21:03:00Z

Virginia Linn / Oct. 6, 2008

I started "my" car yesterday and nearly lost my hearing.

That's because my 17-year-old daughter, who got her driver's license six months ago, has been driving my car around.

I've warned her that I'm going to take back my car if she doesn't turn down the volume of the radio, which is more than a safety hazard.

Fortunately, this won't be a problem next year under new features being rolled out by Ford on its 2010 models. Soon, through some programming magic, parents will be able to limit the car's audio system's volume and its speed limit to 80 mph. And the car can be programmed to sound continuous (and annoying) alerts if the teens don't put on their seat belts. What a great idea!

"Our message to parents is, hey, we are providing you some conditions to give your new drivers that may allow you to feel a little more comfortable in giving them the car more often," Jim Buczkowski, Ford's director of electronic and electrical systems engineering, told the Associated Press.

The feature, called "MyKey" will be standard on an unspecified number of Ford models that will come out late next summer, and will spread to the entire Ford, Lincoln and Mercury lineup as models are updated. Parents also will have the option of having the car sound a chime (much like what is heard when you don't put on your seat belt) if the teen exceeds 45, 55 or 65 mph.

I'm hoping other automakers will follow suit. While these are sure to be a hit with parents, already teens are weighing in against the new features.

But the message will be simple: No "MyKey", no car.

College on the horizon amid financial chaos

2008-10-01T02:03:00Z

My department at the Post-Gazette was coordinating a series of vignettes today about how regular Pittsburghers were handling the near-collapse of the markets this week. We picked out people from different demographics who might be feeling the anxiety more than others -- retirees, homeowners trying to sell their homes, social service agencies and parents with kids going off to college.

We found one Mt. Lebanon mom who had two kids in college with another, her 17-year-old son, heading to college next year -- Yikes!

I, too, have a 17-year-old heading to college next year. We've been socking money away for years in a 529, but who knows what's going to be left by the time she's ready to go? All the same, she's going to continue to move forward to send out a few applications (just the application fees can be pricey!) and hope for the best. We've got probably nine months before we have to start writing those BIG checks, so I'm hoping the market will rebound by then, and not take the 10 years that some eonomics predict it will take to get back on track.

Are you in the same boat? How are you preparing for your child's college?

Economic crisis: What to tell the kids

2008-09-26T19:02:00Z

You may not think your kids are paying attention to what's going on around them when they've got their ears plugged with iPod earbuds or their eyes focused on a video game. But they're much more aware than you think.

My husband and I have found this out when our kids have overheard our hushed mentions of "We don't have money to go to a restaurant tonight" or "We're not traveling there because it's too expensive."

As kids do, they over react and worry that "Are we going to have food for dinner?"

Clearly the current economic crisis (let's hope it gets resolved tonight!) presents great challenges around any household these days.

So what do you tell the kids?

Earlier this week, both the Wall Street Journal and KidsHealth offered some suggestions.

According to the Wall Street Journal, here are some guidelines by ages:

-- Ages 5-9: "Daddy (or Mommy) is a little worried about things at work, but we're taking care of it and our family is going to be OK.

-- Ages 10 - 13: "You've seen the news about how the economy is having some troubles. I'm working hard to help us get through this."

-- Ages 14 - 17: "The weak economy has hurt our business, but we've been through this before. I'm working hard on some new possibilities.""

And consider this from KidsHealth:

-- Discuss current events with your child regularly. It's important to help kids think through stories they hear about. Ask questions: What do you think about these events? How do you think these things happen? These questions can encourage conversation about non-news topics too.

-- Talk about what you can do to help. In the case of a news event like a natural disaster, kids may gain a sense of control and feel more secure if you find ways to help those who have been affected.

What are telling your kids? Do you have any tips?

Travails of travel

2008-09-12T12:30:00Z

Virginia Linn / Sept. 12, 2008

My husband travels a lot. When he leaves, he gives me the name of his hotel, the phone number and the days he's returning.

I'm heading out for a weeklong girl getaway today. I've been preparing for the departure for more than a week - no not packing, Heck I throw things in the suitcase the morning I'm leaving. No, I mean all the writing of game schedules, pickups, piano and guitar lessons, tennis lessons, food share pickups, trash collection details, senior portrait appointments -- the whole shebang.

I've created a huge poster that's on the wall of my dining room, with schedules outlined day by day. By the front door, I've got written checks in envelopes, a reminder "DO YOU HAVE YOUR HOUSE KEY" and other notes.

Obsessive? Maybe. But I'm just anticipating a disaster since my hubby has to ask me every week - Is this recycling week? Why I'm the keeper of that info, I don't know, but he can never remember the biweekly schedule.

When I leave today, I'll still be worrying, obsessing. But I also know that when I return my kids -- and husband -- will be extra nice to me because they do realize how much I do around the house. And I think they will genuinely miss me.

That will last about an hour. Then it will go back to the same whining...... Sigh

The waste in college recruiting

2008-09-10T19:07:00Z

The nation's colleges and universities could benefit from a lesson in "green" marketing.

My high school senior, since the middle of her sophomore year, has been buried under piles of college pitch letters, pamphlets, slick flyers, campus booklets and DVDs mailed to our home.

Somewhere down the line we obviously checked a box -- or didn't check a box -- that allowed her high school or a testing service to release her name and address to college recruiters.

One letter from an assortment of colleges wouldn't be so bad. But we've probably gotten 20 packets from Washington University in St. Louis, Mo., multiple mailings from New York University, and a zillion letters from Timbuk U's we've never heard of.

Of course she's flattered to get all of this attention. But these days we can barely open the front door when we arrive home each day because of all the letters stuffed into the mail slot. We've already filled three large document files (the giant ones that lawyers use) and have started a fourth.

She does receive some info via e-mail, but it's usually from the schools that she's contacted herself.

Not sure if it's this way for your high-schoolers, but there must be a better way that's kinder to the environment. We don't even want to think about all the trees that have bitten the dust for these campus mailings.

If you're a parent in the same boat, what do you do with all the mailings?

A teachable moment for my 17-year-old

2008-09-05T13:16:00Z

This has certainly been a week of teachable moments.

My oldest daughter just turned 17 and we've been watching developments regarding another 17-year-old who's been in the news - Bristol Palin.

I asked my daughter last night what she and her friends had been saying about Bristol, who we learned this week is five months pregnant.

"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid," she said. "And her mother doesn't want sex education in the schools - stupid."

Her mother, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, supports teaching only abstinence in the schools and opposes abortion. In her announcements this week about her daughter she put a positive, almost wholesome spin, on the situation. Bristol will keep the baby, due in December, and will marry her beau.

Perhaps my daughter's negative reaction is shaped by what she sees in the city schools. Not every teenage pregnancy is embraced by supportive parents and not every pregnant teenager finishes high school and goes on to lead an independent, productive life.

She said this is the reality most of the time.

A teachable moment indeed.

Kids and chores

2008-08-28T17:01:00Z

Last night my 13-year-old son accused me of having him just so I'd have someone around the house to do chores.

Ha! If only. True I was asking him to haul out some heavy trash bags to the garage. And lately I've been delegating a lot of the heavy lifting I used to do (like carrying the 20-pound bags of dog food) myself. He may be only 13 but at 5-foot-9 and 150 pounds, he's now stronger than me.

Yesterday the Wall Street Journal wrote about an upcoming study from the University of Maryland that has tracked the amount of chores that kids now do at home. Not surprisingly, it's down by 12 percent since 1997 (and there's been a 25 percent decline since 1981).

Children on average are spending a mere 24 minutes a day doing cleaning, laundry and other housework.

Housework by adults in general is way down, too, but the authors of the study noted the drop in participation by kids has long-lasting effects in their lives.

Pitching in at home can affect the health of marriages later on, particularly among men. U.S. marriages tend to be more stable when men participate more in domestic tasks, according to a study published in the American Journal of Sociology.

Housework also can instill a habit of serving others.

Among my three kids, my middle child seems to be the most cooperative and helpful when it comes to chores. Sure, they're all asked to pitch in, and at least the girls will do their own laundry once in a while. But my middle one is the kid who often picks up the slack of others.

One mistake I unconsciously made was that I had been assigning chores based on the traditional views on gender. My son got trash duty, my girls kitchen and laundry duty. Now I try to mix it up.

I've never measured by the minute how much they put into chores each day, but I doubt it even adds up to 24 minutes for each of them.

How much do your kids chip in? And what incentives (if any) do you have to keep them at it?

When is your child ready for that next step?

2008-08-23T02:29:00Z

When our children are babies and toddlers, we often brag to family and friends about their milestones.
"Adam held a spoon for the first time today. Abby dressed herself this morning, can you believe it?"
These are exciting steps forward but still within a protective cloak. Our kids are starting to show independence but it's all within a safe enviroment.
Such steps are not so easy when they become teenagers.

For the last couple of years I've held my breath while my son has crossed a very busy intersection to his school bus stop. There's no crossing guard, but there is a Walk/Don't Walk sign. Trouble is, impatient drivers often drive through the intersection when the Walk sign is illuminated. I've had to teach him to count to 5 before he crosses. He's very good about this and always waits until no traffic is passing. Although I try to be there most mornings, sometimes I can't because of my job. I hold my breath, say a prayer and hope he makes it across on his own. He's 13, he's old enough to cross the street on his own; I just don't like it.

This past week he was enrolled in an art camp at the Pittsburgh Center for the Arts. The camp was held about a 15-minute walk from a direct busline in Squirrel Hill that would carry him to our neighborhood.

I work during the day so I thought I'd see if he could get home by himself. I got him bus passes and a route schedule. Because he broke his cell phone (he stepped on it several months ago -- groan) I loaned him my watch.

Monday, his first day at art camp, he walked to the bus stop and the bus rolled up almost immediately. It was smooth sailing.

On Tuesday, he got to the bus stop. Nothing. It didn't come and it didn't come. He ended walking the more than 2 miles home. (Not a bad walk, but just a long one)

Wednesday, Dad picked him up for a doctor's appointment so he didn't need to take the bus. On Thursday, he got to the bus stop but he said the bus rolled right by him without stopping. Again he walked home even though another was scheduled to follow just 15 minutes later.

So of course I felt guilty. Was I pushing him too hard? Was I a neglectful mother when I could have left work to pick him up? How do I teach him to just be patient and wait for the next bus?
This is the end of summer camps for the season. Next summer he'll be 14, hopefully wiser and alittle bit more mature. But it's always difficult to know when a child is ready for that next step.

Imperfect parenting

2008-08-19T07:37:00Z

The other week I had a dream, one I've had for years and years. It's not a nightmare exactly, but the dream is always the same: I'm about to graduate from college, but somehow, through stupidity or laziness, I have neglected to amass enough course credits to graduate.

A rush of voices crowd into my dreaming brain, urgently asking: What am I going to tell my parents, who spent so much money on my tuition? What am I going to do without a college degree? How am I going to get a job? Why can't I talk the college dean into letting me take summer school? What will become of my life? Will I ever amount to anything?

The voices become louder and louder until I wake up, shaking, and suddenly, in a warm rush of gratitude, I remember: I am 54 years old. I am married. I am gainfully employed, with a job that I like very much. I live in a nice house, with a nice garden I made myself.

And most of all, I have three teenagers.

This last fact is the most important part you need to know about me as I launch this blog, "Teen Angst". I have 16½ -year-old twins (one boy, one girl) and a 14½-year old daughter. They are less exhausting than when they were 2 years old and a newborn, but they make me worry more. They do, however, provide me with priceless material every day for this blog - as do all the wonderful publicists out there who keep sending me free books on raising teenagers and calling me with story pitches.

Yesterday wasn't a very teen-age-ish day on the free book front. I did receive one in the mail titled, "The White Trash Mom's Handbook: Embrace Your Inner Trailerpark, Forget Perfection, Resist Assimilation into the PTA, Stay Sane, and Keep Your Sense of Humor," by Michelle Lamar and Molly Wedland (St. Martin's Griffin, 240 pages, $13.95)

Besides the annoying title - just one more way to poke fun at people who live in mobile homes - its parenting philosophy is right out of the "Slacker Mom" school, and a clear reaction to my baby boomer generation's obsessive parenting style. Nothing wrong with that, of course. In fact, I recall writing about a similar book just two weeks ago, Anna Johnson's "The Yummy Mummy's Manifesto," which basically told new moms to relax and chill... while hanging on to one's sense of style, chic, and playfulness.

This book, the - um - "White Trash" one, says moms need to relax and chill, too, but don't worry about looking good while you're doing it. It's really less a parenting guide than a document on the ongoing class war in this nation's elementary schools between the "Muffia" - perfect moms - and women like author Michelle Lamar, who says in an excerpt published on Amazon.com's site:

"Look at all the moms in the parking lot every day. Perfect hair. Perfectly dressed. And then look at us. Well, you look pretty good...most of the time. OK, now look at me. I take my kids to school in my pajamas every day. I'm lucky if they get there on time.... It's about being imperfect as a mom and being OK with that. Embracing it! And to hell with all the perfect moms! As if!"

OK! Point taken.

There are some funny bits in it ("Do Chores Like a Teen: Load the dishwasher with only the glasses and dishes that are in the sink. Load up the dishwasher and start to run the dishwasher with only five dishes in it. Act surprised and shocked with parent stops you from completing your chore.").

But there's another book that also came in yesterday that looks a little more my speed, as the confounded mother of a 16-year-old boy: "Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men/ Understanding the Critical Years Between 16 and 26" by Michael Kimmel.

You mean I'm facing 10 more years of this?

Stay tuned.